White House Down
(2013)
Roland
Emmerich
Rambo III (1988)
Peter
MacDonald
Team America
(2004)
Trey
Parker
Independence Day
(1996)
Roland
Emmerich
This
Friday morning, when you greet the blood-red dawn by leaping out from under
your American flag comforter, landing feet-first in your American flag thongs,
clutching your limited edition Lynyrd Skynyrd alarm clock by the testicles and
smashing it against the wall nearest you like it called your father a coward, then I know you know what time it is.
...and that’s a real weird existence you’ve got there, partner.
But damn, have I got the ultimate cinematic experience
prepared for the greatest birthday on earth(second only to that of Jesus
Christ, our Lord and Savior, of course): Inde-fucking-pendence Day! Four films have been hand-selected by
The UCM in honor of the four most important days in the history of the entire
6,000 year-old universe: July 1, 2, 3, and 4! Strap in, beer up, and burger out, because it’s time to
watch Old Glory teach the world, and anyone foolish enough to invade: they best
behave.
To be earnest folks, I devour the hours
leading up to any holiday planning how to best celebrate it. I’m a dweeb that way. I devote as much October time as
possible to watching Horror movies.
When Christmas comes along, I do all the Christmas things all the
Christmas time. Hell, even St.
Patrick’s Day receives a solid 16 hours of my aural attention by way of The
Chieftains, or some other Irish ensemble.
Why should The 4th of July be any different? You’re not working (unless you’re in
retail…sucker), you fear the outdoors, and you find that packing a holiday full
of art and culture speaking directly to the chosen day’s values is the best way
to get at its significance. I
doubt many of you are making plans for vigorous flag-waving, or even launching
fireworks, but it doesn’t matter. You
don’t have to be a patriot, or a war hawk, or in any way fond of your home
country to find enjoyment in studying its people’s outlook on Independence Day through
cinema.
Not
every film I have selected takes place on, or around July 4
th (okay,
only one of them does), but they all dig into a certain American experience…
mostly the one that involves handing someone their own ass.
Coincidentally, I have assembled a
playlist offering each of America’s major political associations: Democrat,
Republican, Libertarian(ish) and… what I like to think of as… U.C.B.P. (United Confederates
of Bill Pullman).
Whatever flavor
citizen you might be, I think watching these four movies in succession will lend
a good deal to mull-over… and laugh at.
I
recommend we begin with White House Down,
the latest work from apparent left-wing nutcase, Roland Emmerich. You may recall this movie’s quiet
arrival and quieter exit one year ago… and you may not. Nobody saw this thing, and what a
shame! The film begins harmlessly
enough, telling the story of the Speaker of the House’s bodyguard (Channing
Tatum) who dreams of joining The Secret Service. He takes his daughter on a tour of The White House when it is
attacked by American Terrorists, and he is The Only One who can save President
Jaime Fox, or whatever his name is.
It offers loads of fun, charm, and dumb, and then it loses its damn mind. Saving the finer details for your maximum
viewing pleasure, I will tell you the third act closes on what might be
considered the Democratic antithesis to the Rambo
franchise. This is an almost
hateful liberal action fantasy.
Imagine if Fox News supported the Obama Administration and made movies…
instead of whatever it is they think they’re currently doing. I was struck by irrepressible claughter
(simultaneous laughter and clapping) at the climax, and it was just my
girlfriend and me at home on a Sunday.
I can’t imagine what it would be like seeing it in a crowded theater.
From
there, let us gleefully tote our hand grenades across the aisle, and catch up
with the 80’s.
The
Rambo series was a Rocky one (heh… see
what I did?).
First Blood is still an excellent film (and oddly anti-war, or pro-veteran?) and it deserves your attention.
Rambo:
First Blood Part II is boring and sooper stoopid.
Rambo, however (That’s the fourth one… are you
keeping up?), isn’t bad either, and in many ways, treats warfare with more
respect and honesty than even the first installment.
That leaves us with the least honest, yet most reasonably
titled film in the franchise: Rambo III (you see, because it is the third
one).
Watching this film is a
bizarre experience for my generation; like a violent episode of
Sliders staged in an alternate Iraq war, but this movie takes place in an historical conflict observed at the time of
its release.
During the Soviet
occupation of
Afghanistan, John Rambo (Sly Stallone) has to stop stick fighting
and building Buddhist temples in Thailand because his buddy was captured in a
secret attempt at foiling the Russians.
In Afghanistan, Rambo’s buddy is being tortured and spouting criticisms
at his Soviet captors which sound eerily similar to those brought by the voices
against the war in Iraq a few decades later.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Afghanistan, Rambo is learning all
about the rich culture of their people and their weird dead goat polo
game.
Oh, and 'how brave this child
soldier' is!
I don’t want you to
think I am saying Afghanistan and Iraq might as well be the same country, and I
am certainly not saying the two military events were the same conflict.
The similarities are found within this
work of fiction, and that, coupled with some powerfully outrageous violence,
makes it a lovely addition to this marathon.
Now
that you are hopefully 10 beers deep, it’s time for a short detour into
(intentional) comedy, where we find what I still believe is one of the
funniest political satires since
Dr.
Strangelove.
Team
America: World Police was released a decade ago (Oh lord… I’m old.), and
although I admit it doesn’t hit quite as hard as it did when I was 17, it
remains a damn smart movie, and an interesting time capsule remembering a
moment in a war that may never end, but looks completely different today.
I consider this the closest thing to a
libertarian outlook (one that best fits the tone of the marathon overall), by
virtue of its creators’ regular use of a meet-in-the-middle, nothing
is
black-and-white voice of reason. By
the time the “Dicks, pussies and assholes” monologue is delivered a second
time, it’s perfect accuracy is almost frightening.
From its merciless send-up of both America’s propensity for
military hand-slapping, and Hollywood’s often numbskull brand of action cinema,
you find yourself wishing Stone and Parker would move away from
South Park to make
more movies and musicals.
Although
these selections may seem obvious, I did not come to this assortment
rashly. I realized I had never
caught an entire Chuck Norris movie, so Missing
In Action was my maiden voyage into his hairy-shouldered world. If you thought Rambo had a neurosis
over the “unfinished” war in Vietnam, Norris’s James Braddock is certifiably
insane by comparison. I also watched White House Down’s darker twin, Olympus Has Fallen, and I considered The Patriot, but none of these movies
met the mark, and couldn’t even aspire to the fun-levels achieved by the “title
track” of this E.P. of super-patriotism.
I
have always loved Roland Emmerich’s entertainment masterpiece, Independence Day. It is appropriate that we should
bookend our 4th of July with films directed by a German dude who
loves America in the weirdest ways imaginable. I saw this in theaters when it was released, and at age 9,
it was tailor-made for my attention span.
What a clip! At only 13
minutes, the aliens have already arrived.
It’s party time from beginning to end. The characters are appealing, though mostly one-dimensional,
the action sequences are unique visions of epic destruction, and the jingoism
is ripe and bountiful. Some of the
effects work might not have aged well, but the nationalism is just as cuckoo
and delicious as it was almost 20 years ago. The rest of the planet wasn’t exactly sitting around waiting
for America’s word to start fighting the invaders, but they sure are excited
that we have a plan to lead a world-wide counter-strike! “Sure, America! We will immediately jump into whatever
preposterous strategy you have, current enemy/current-and-somewhat-trusted-ally! Thank God for you! No qualms here, smartest country on
earth! We are so lucky your M.I.T.
graduate cable repairman is the only science person around who could think of
using a computer virus to bring down force fields. Boy, it’s fortunate those alien operating systems apparently
function pretty similarly to ours!
Makes perfect sense to us!”
Of course, the best part for all those other countries is now, they get
to celebrate the best holiday ever, as was so eloquently expressed by Bill
Pullman at the final battle’s dawn.
By
now, if you’re doing it right, you have narrowly escaped alcohol poisoning, and
consumed so much red meat, you resist a supernatural urge to “moo”. As much as I would have liked to
present you with something thoughtful… some sort of thesis to prove about
Hollywood’s skewed position on our military might, perhaps… that just wasn’t my
plan. I wanted to recommend a
perfect day of America-centric patriot-sploitation for your eyes and hearts to
munch. Congratulations,
U.S.A.! You lost the World Cup (2014),
but you could still win your freedom from Britain if you somehow lost it again!
