Red, Black and Blue: A 4th of July Action Marathon Curated by The UCM

White House Down (2013)

            Roland Emmerich

Rambo III (1988)

            Peter MacDonald

Team America (2004)

            Trey Parker

Independence Day (1996)

            Roland Emmerich

            This Friday morning, when you greet the blood-red dawn by leaping out from under your American flag comforter, landing feet-first in your American flag thongs, clutching your limited edition Lynyrd Skynyrd alarm clock by the testicles and smashing it against the wall nearest you like it called your father a coward, then I know you know what time it is.

...and that’s a real weird existence you’ve got there, partner.

But damn, have I got the ultimate cinematic experience prepared for the greatest birthday on earth(second only to that of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, of course): Inde-fucking-pendence Day!  Four films have been hand-selected by The UCM in honor of the four most important days in the history of the entire 6,000 year-old universe: July 1, 2, 3, and 4!  Strap in, beer up, and burger out, because it’s time to watch Old Glory teach the world, and anyone foolish enough to invade: they best behave.

             To be earnest folks, I devour the hours leading up to any holiday planning how to best celebrate it.  I’m a dweeb that way.  I devote as much October time as possible to watching Horror movies.  When Christmas comes along, I do all the Christmas things all the Christmas time.  Hell, even St. Patrick’s Day receives a solid 16 hours of my aural attention by way of The Chieftains, or some other Irish ensemble.  Why should The 4^th of July be any different?  You’re not working (unless you’re in retail…sucker), you fear the outdoors, and you find that packing a holiday full of art and culture speaking directly to the chosen day’s values is the best way to get at its significance.  I doubt many of you are making plans for vigorous flag-waving, or even launching fireworks, but it doesn’t matter.  You don’t have to be a patriot, or a war hawk, or in any way fond of your home country to find enjoyment in studying its people’s outlook on Independence Day through cinema. 

            Not every film I have selected takes place on, or around July 4^th (okay, only one of them does), but they all dig into a certain American experience… mostly the one that involves handing someone their own ass.  Coincidentally, I have assembled a playlist offering each of America’s major political associations: Democrat, Republican, Libertarian(ish) and… what I like to think of as… U.C.B.P. (United Confederates of Bill Pullman).  Whatever flavor citizen you might be, I think watching these four movies in succession will lend a good deal to mull-over… and laugh at.

            I recommend we begin with White House Down, the latest work from apparent left-wing nutcase, Roland Emmerich.  You may recall this movie’s quiet arrival and quieter exit one year ago… and you may not.  Nobody saw this thing, and what a shame!  The film begins harmlessly enough, telling the story of the Speaker of the House’s bodyguard (Channing Tatum) who dreams of joining The Secret Service.  He takes his daughter on a tour of The White House when it is attacked by American Terrorists, and he is The Only One who can save President Jaime Fox, or whatever his name is.  It offers loads of fun, charm, and dumb, and then it loses its damn mind.  Saving the finer details for your maximum viewing pleasure, I will tell you the third act closes on what might be considered the Democratic antithesis to the Rambo franchise.  This is an almost hateful liberal action fantasy.  Imagine if Fox News supported the Obama Administration and made movies… instead of whatever it is they think they’re currently doing.  I was struck by irrepressible claughter (simultaneous laughter and clapping) at the climax, and it was just my girlfriend and me at home on a Sunday.  I can’t imagine what it would be like seeing it in a crowded theater.

            From there, let us gleefully tote our hand grenades across the aisle, and catch up with the 80’s.  The Rambo series was a Rocky one (heh… see what I did?).  First Blood is still an excellent film (and oddly anti-war, or pro-veteran?) and it deserves your attention.  Rambo: First Blood Part II is boring and sooper stoopid.  Rambo, however (That’s the fourth one… are you keeping up?), isn’t bad either, and in many ways, treats warfare with more respect and honesty than even the first installment.  That leaves us with the least honest, yet most reasonably titled film in the franchise: Rambo III (you see, because it is the third one).  Watching this film is a bizarre experience for my generation; like a violent episode of Sliders staged in an alternate Iraq war, but this movie takes place in an historical conflict observed at the time of its release.  During the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan, John Rambo (Sly Stallone) has to stop stick fighting and building Buddhist temples in Thailand because his buddy was captured in a secret attempt at foiling the Russians.  In Afghanistan, Rambo’s buddy is being tortured and spouting criticisms at his Soviet captors which sound eerily similar to those brought by the voices against the war in Iraq a few decades later.  Meanwhile, elsewhere in Afghanistan, Rambo is learning all about the rich culture of their people and their weird dead goat polo game.  Oh, and 'how brave this child soldier' is!  I don’t want you to think I am saying Afghanistan and Iraq might as well be the same country, and I am certainly not saying the two military events were the same conflict.  The similarities are found within this work of fiction, and that, coupled with some powerfully outrageous violence, makes it a lovely addition to this marathon.

            Now that you are hopefully 10 beers deep, it’s time for a short detour into (intentional) comedy, where we find what I still believe is one of the funniest political satires since Dr. Strangelove.   Team America: World Police was released a decade ago (Oh lord… I’m old.), and although I admit it doesn’t hit quite as hard as it did when I was 17, it remains a damn smart movie, and an interesting time capsule remembering a moment in a war that may never end, but looks completely different today.  I consider this the closest thing to a libertarian outlook (one that best fits the tone of the marathon overall), by virtue of its creators’ regular use of a meet-in-the-middle, nothing is black-and-white voice of reason.  By the time the “Dicks, pussies and assholes” monologue is delivered a second time, it’s perfect accuracy is almost frightening.  From its merciless send-up of both America’s propensity for military hand-slapping, and Hollywood’s often numbskull brand of action cinema, you find yourself wishing Stone and Parker would move away from South Park to make more movies and musicals.

            Although these selections may seem obvious, I did not come to this assortment rashly.  I realized I had never caught an entire Chuck Norris movie, so Missing In Action was my maiden voyage into his hairy-shouldered world.  If you thought Rambo had a neurosis over the “unfinished” war in Vietnam, Norris’s James Braddock is certifiably insane by comparison.  I also watched White House Down’s darker twin, Olympus Has Fallen, and I considered The Patriot, but none of these movies met the mark, and couldn’t even aspire to the fun-levels achieved by the “title track” of this E.P. of super-patriotism.

            I have always loved Roland Emmerich’s entertainment masterpiece, Independence Day.  It is appropriate that we should bookend our 4^th of July with films directed by a German dude who loves America in the weirdest ways imaginable.  I saw this in theaters when it was released, and at age 9, it was tailor-made for my attention span.  What a clip!  At only 13 minutes, the aliens have already arrived.  It’s party time from beginning to end.  The characters are appealing, though mostly one-dimensional, the action sequences are unique visions of epic destruction, and the jingoism is ripe and bountiful.  Some of the effects work might not have aged well, but the nationalism is just as cuckoo and delicious as it was almost 20 years ago.  The rest of the planet wasn’t exactly sitting around waiting for America’s word to start fighting the invaders, but they sure are excited that we have a plan to lead a world-wide counter-strike!  “Sure, America!  We will immediately jump into whatever preposterous strategy you have, current enemy/current-and-somewhat-trusted-ally!  Thank God for you!  No qualms here, smartest country on earth!  We are so lucky your M.I.T. graduate cable repairman is the only science person around who could think of using a computer virus to bring down force fields.  Boy, it’s fortunate those alien operating systems apparently function pretty similarly to ours!  Makes perfect sense to us!”  Of course, the best part for all those other countries is now, they get to celebrate the best holiday ever, as was so eloquently expressed by Bill Pullman at the final battle’s dawn.

            By now, if you’re doing it right, you have narrowly escaped alcohol poisoning, and consumed so much red meat, you resist a supernatural urge to “moo”.  As much as I would have liked to present you with something thoughtful… some sort of thesis to prove about Hollywood’s skewed position on our military might, perhaps… that just wasn’t my plan.  I wanted to recommend a perfect day of America-centric patriot-sploitation for your eyes and hearts to munch.  Congratulations, U.S.A.!  You lost the World Cup (2014), but you could still win your freedom from Britain if you somehow lost it again!